Recently, I have struggled with finding contentment in life. Instead of celebrating other's successes, I have envied them... wanting their lot in life and not my own. I have asked forgiveness for my sin and have tried to seek repentance daily... striving to take captive thoughts. But, I always end up coming short; I seem to lose the battle. I begin wondering... why was I not given that opportunity? why do I look like this? why do I have this type of personality? (and the list continues).
Most of my lack of contentment is found with a job. For about a year and a half, I have been nannying three beautiful toddlers. There have been some trying moments, but every day I am grateful for them and their family. (I'll post some pics.) I would never trade the many things I have learned about parenting or the many hugs, kisses, cute phrases, etc. that the kids shared with me. I cry writing this because I love them so much. And yet, I still have struggled with being content. I hear thoughts in my head telling me that I am doing nothing with my life, that I need to grow up and get a "real" job, that I am wasting my college education. How can I be so confused... one minute, I am cherishing every moment I have with the Stephens family and the next I am wishing I was given another opportunity in life and envying what others have.
In a couple weeks, I will be moving forward and transitioning from being a nanny to being a substitute teacher. My heart breaks when I think about not getting to see the triplets often. I hear in my head Jack's voice, "Don't leave... stay with (or "wif" like he says with his lisp) me." I will miss this place I am in now and I wonder why I couldn't find contentment here earlier.
I think the solution is being grateful for all that I have been given even if I didn't think certain steps would be part of my journey. I never thought that these kids would have changed my life the way they did... I began nannying because I needed a job and it would fill the time as I looked for teaching jobs, but God had something different in mind. He taught me how to discipline children in love; He taught me how to make boo-boos feel better; He taught me how to slow down in life and play and enjoy the small moments; He taught me that I enjoy not being stressed out and overly busy in life; He taught me how to make my husband and family and friends priority... not my job.
I am grateful... and continuing on this journey of contentment.
Lots of smiles... you would miss them too, wouldn't you?