Am I really already 25?

Yesterday was my 25th birthday. I was talking to Justin about it yesterday and told him I didn't feel 25. He asked how old I felt, and I really think somewhere between 10-12. (I wonder if that is because I spend most of my time with that age range...)

Anyway, it was a wonderful day. I definitely felt loved from the moment I woke up. Groggy Justin woke up to say "good morning" when usually he just continues sleeping. When I came back in the bedroom, there was a surprise waiting for me on the bed. Justin got me a beautiful ring... I knew he was going to get it for me, but he told me that they had not had it in stock and had to order it.

Later at work, my students barreled down the hall yelling "happy birthday!" They sure made me feel loved and appreciated. Many of my students brought flowers and they combined them to make two beautiful bouquets. I had many homemade cards and lots of little gifts.

The instructional part of my day drug on and on. I was ready to go home, relax, and celebrate. Justin and I went off to Chuy's (I had been waiting WEEKS for this day to come around!). I ate lots of creamy J and a big burrito. It was yummy!

Later that evening, Justin and I were going to go to Studio Movie Grill to watch Source Code (we already had tickets through a Groupon). We went up the escalator just to hear over the speaker that they were sold out. So... we went back down. We decided to go see Your Highness. We went back up the escalator. We tried to buy tickets but they cancelled the showing. We went back down the escalator. About this time, I was getting discouraged. I wanted to do something special, but I couldn't think of anything... not to mention that I was exhausted!

As we were heading home, Justin played a song he purchased called "Hosanna" sung by Jason Morant. I realized that my birthday celebration was mild in comparison to the celebration of what this weekend symbolizes. Everything came back in perspective and I was grateful for the gift of life God has given me. I became grateful for my family who called me through out the day beginning at 6:45 to sing me happy birthday, grateful for my husband who woke up early to start my day off in a special way, grateful for the ashleys and their kind words, grateful for friends who left special encouraging messages throughout the day. My day took a huge turn for the better.

Justin began playing "Thy Will Be Done" by Red Letter and we just worshipped in the car together. I can't get over the lyrics.

My God, my Father while I stray,

Far from my home in life rough's way,

Oh teach me from my heart to say,

Thy will be done.

Though dark my path inside my lot,

Let me be still and murmur not,

Or breathe prayer divinely taught,

Thy will be done.

And if my fainting heart be blessed,

With the Holy Spirit for its guest,

My God to Thee I leave the rest,

Thy will be done.

If Thou should call me to resign

what most I prize never was mine,

I only leave Thee what is Thine,

Thy will be done.

And when on earth I breathe no more,

The prayer I've mixed with tears before,

I'll sing upon that joyful shore,

Thy will be done.

Justin and I came back to the house. I had one last request... a coke with vanilla from sonic and a red box movie. Shortly after we began the redbox movie (within 30-45 minutes), I feel asleep in Justin's arms.

A perfect 25...

Defining Success

The idea of success has come in and out of my mind lately. What is its measure? How do I know when I have obtained success? It is something I have strived for both consciously and subconsciously. The desire to achieve this often undefinable thing always seems to be before me.

These thoughts began flooding my mind once again about two weeks ago. I was praying that God would define success for my life and that I would learn to be content to live and strive for his definition. I concluded that being obedient and joyful in that obedience was true success... following my master and being happy in the pursuit is the key.

Saying that and living it, however, have proven to be two very different things. It is easy to say the words... to internalize the words. There are so many other deceptive definitions of success though that skew true success. Money, career, quality of life, possessions, etc. All these things take my mind off of following Christ and leave me on an unending rat race for more.

I currently have absolutely NO job security. This week, I will find out whether or not my contract is being renewed. Some days in the past few weeks have been beautiful: striving to follow Christ. Other days, I have been extremely stressed... striving to figure out a back-up plan that will make me the most money without having to sell my soul to the job. And in reality, when I say days... I really mean some hours and some minutes. I have good and bad moments every day. I am but a mere pendulum .

Needless to say, whatever happens, I know that as long as I am seeking Christ, true success cannot be taken from me.

Prayer

In need of prayer...

I know that this statement is very true... and yet, it is very difficult to follow through. Often, I feel very alone in the struggle.

Knowing I need to pray and devote time to hearing God and yet struggling to find the time to sit in His presence.

And those moments when I do sit, my mind wanders... I lack focus.

Even when I have time set aside and my mind remains focus, I struggle with wondering if I hear God. I question... was that really God? Did I make that up? Did I base what I believe God told me based upon my own feelings?

And those moments that I know beyond a doubt I hear, I want to savor and sit in His overwhelming presence forever.

I want those moments of listening and hearing more and more. The journey is trying and often painful as God answers prayers in ways that shake my worldview and life.

After talking with friends the past month or so, I realize that I am not alone in this struggle. I think there is great power in prayer and great power in community. Imagine the possibilities if those combined... prayer and community.

So... I desire to start a prayer meeting in our house. Often, we believers get together to pray. We spend more time sharing requests and talking.... Then, we awkwardly transition into prayer for about five minutes because we "ran out of time." I want more. I want people to come knowing the expectation that they come in, silent their hearts, pray earnestly that we want to hear from God and then wait until He speaks. I want our home to be a place where the goodness of the Lord is written upon the walls. Lord, let it be.

Hearing God

How do I know if it is God? This has been my heart cry for many weeks, months, possibly years now. A few weeks ago, I felt graced by the Spirit. I felt as if I was in His presence... clean, redeemed, content. I did not want to leave His presence. His Spirit seemed to linger and then the next moment was gone. I have longed to be there continually... just to sit before Him.

This past weekend, I continued this journey in listening prayer.

I have never been good at staying focused during prayer and usually my mind is consumed with other thoughts: things I need to get done, planning lessons for school, trying to plan meals for the week, simply just making mental to-do lists.

So, here I am Sunday morning, trying to ask God questions burdening my heart eagerly hoping that He will answer. I felt His presence once again. When I felt Him join our prayer time, I didn't care if He answered my questions... I mean, I wanted Him to, but I was so grateful to just feel Him near me. I did hear Him speak, but one thing stood out more than anything else. I kept begging Him to stay with me a little longer and I believe with all my heart that He responded, "I will never leave you." It happened many times.

That was yesterday morning. I went to church and invited Him to join us.... to reveal Himself and He is faithful in answering prayers. I felt His presence join me once again. It was a beautiful time of worship... I wanted to be no where else in the world. I remember Psalm 51 where it says, "Cast me not from your presence and take not your spirit from me." I thought a moment about what life would be like without even that fading presence and I felt hopeless. So my heart cry became PLEASE never cast me from your presence.

After community dinner, I just wanted to sit in His presence. Justin and I did some listening prayer. We questioned what we were supposed to do in our future... seeking guidance, clarity, and confirmation. God seemed so silent, and yet I so desperately wanted Him to speak. We began asking if we were asking the wrong questions. It was then that I realized something stood in between the present and our future. He revealed that my identity has been so intertwined with my job or future role(s). I was getting caught up in who I was according to the world. Justin encouraged me to ask God who He saw me as. At first I thought the question was silly because I knew what I was supposed to say... God was silent though. I heard nothing. But what I saw was everything... before me, lay a cross. That is what I am supposed to identify with.

This weekend, I spent some time reflecting on 2 Corinthians 4:11. "For we who live are always being given over to death for Jesus' sake, so that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our mortal flesh."

I am to identify with Christ. I am to die with Christ that His life may be revealed in my mortal body. May the cross be ever before me.

Spring Break 2011!

Spring Break: fun, relaxing, restful, intentional, restorative, spontaneous, and so much more!

On Friday, March 11th, I came home determined to finish all that fell in the school category. I graded papers until 12:30 AM, but I finished!

On Saturday, my hubby and I woke up to celebrate the beginning of Griffin and Lisa's marriage. It was a beautiful day, and it ended with beautiful community. I am so grateful for college friends... time passes and it could be months between our meetings, but I love how it takes no time at all for us to pick up where we left off.

On Sunday, I spent some time with my sister and her two kids. I love my niece and nephew and never get enough time with them. After that, we went to church and community dinner. Then, we began packing. It was a bit stressful... usually I am more on top of things than that.

Monday, J and I rose early (around 5:30 AM) and went to the airport. We arrived in Miami and took a cab to our cruise ship. This was our first cruise together, and it was wonderful! We needed this time to rest and relax, to put away the media and devote time to each other, and just to run away and have fun!

Funny story from Monday... I thought we were arriving home on Friday night. I had a full Saturday planned... I was going to go to a friend's baby shower and then my mom and I were going to plant shrubs in my front yard. I was really looking forward to this day! After talking with a crew member, I realized we weren't getting back until Saturday evening... WHAT?!?! I immediately began to panic. Fortunately, our airline tickets back were for the correct day... I just didn't know what day the 19th really was.

Also, on Monday, we met some people who became instant friends. J and Collin instantly bonded over zombies.

Tuesday, we spent a day at sea on our way to Honduras. J and I relaxed at the back of the boat watching the waves and reading. We spent some time in the Whirlpool, at enormous amounts of food, went to the evening show, and hung out with our new friends.

On Wednesday, we landed in Honduras and began our adventure. We grabbed a cab and headed to a lovely beach... so picturesque! When we got back on the boat, we had to jump in the jacuzzi to get the sand off... bummer! That evening, we went to eat at the grand restaurant... I got two desserts (I couldn't choose)! We finished the day with a comedian, but I retired before the show was over. Between the rocking of the boat and the sun, I was exhausted!

On Thursday, we landed in Cozumel. Another beautiful day and another beautiful beach. J and I took the ultimate adventure. We rented a car... half the time, Justin couldn't find the right gear because the stick rotated a full 360 degrees. I don't know much about driving stick but even I know that that is not normal. We went to visit some ancient Mayan ruins which were a bit anti climatic and then headed to the beach. We went out on paddle boats, played a large game of checkers, hung out in the hammocks (I miss them a lot!), and walked along the white sandy shore. When we arrived back on the boat, we hit the jacuzzi again and then gobbled up a lot of food. That evening, the show was a comedian juggler... absolutely amazing! He rode a unicycle with a 60 year old woman on his shoulders. After that, we met our friends on the back of the boat. While there, we met another guy, Eric, who was part of an acapella group on the ship, Tideflats. He was really fun, and he and Justin became instant friends over Arrested Development. Needless to say, we made it to the rest of the Tideflats shows and really enjoyed hanging out with him.

On Friday, we had another day at sea. A lot of relaxing, reading, spending time in the Whirlpool, dreaming about our future together, and more relaxing. We spent the evening soaking up our time with Amy, Collin, and Eric at the back of the boat. I will never forget the brightness of the moon, the swiftness of the wind, and the sound of the waves; quite delightful!

On Saturday, after a 10 hour day of traveling, we finally arrived home in Houston. This trip was all I needed and more. I am so grateful for the time spent with my hubby.

Pillow Talk

Yesterday was a wonderful day... family lunch with mom, dad, and lil sis. Time to catch up with college friends to celebrate bride-to-be, Lisa... but to top it all off, I came home to my wonderful hubby.

I feel like my hubby and I communicate fairly well... we definitely have our moments, and there are some subjects one or the other try to avoid (i.e. scheduling, money, etc.)

Last night, I got home around 11, and J was in a mood to just be with me. It was wonderful. We curled up in bed and had some old-fashioned pillow talk. We joked, shared what we were learning, picked on one another, laughed, and more than anything, just loved the company... I came to the realization once again that this man is the one whom my soul loves and it is such a privilege to share life together.

what a week!

This week was VERY long... it all began last Sunday.

I got in very early on Sunday morning from a girls' Vegas trip with my mom for her 50th. On Sunday, my hubby took my car to his parent's church, and I woke up slowly and eventually headed out to run some errands. I hopped in his car feeling ready to be productive. Unfortunately, the camry did not agree... I drove less than a mile, dropped it off at an Auto Check in front of our neighborhood and walked home. Later that day, we learned that the car pretty much needed a new engine. And that began the longest, most stressful week of this entire school year.

Coming off of a fun weekend, I did not spend much time thoroughly planning my week, so I have felt behind in my school work. I cannot seem to catch up with grading. Additionally, Justin and I had to carpool to work which would have been great but we work about 45 minutes away from one another with traffic.

On top of that, we did our taxes and found out we owed money... Therefore, this lead to much anxiety about money especially knowing that we are now car shopping. Thankfully, Paw is gracious enough to let J borrow a car until we get all of this sorted out.

Needless to say, I am so thankful for Friday. This will soon be a weekend of rest, relaxation, and preparation for the week!

This week will definitely be much better... how can it not be when spring break is only FIVE school days away!